The inevitable stages of getting dumped

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So, you got dumped? (Sad face.) It’s okay, it happens to the best of us. If you’re curious to know what your post-getting chucked behaviour will be in the coming weeks/months (hopefully not years), here are the stages you’re inevitably going to go through…

So your S/O has pissed off and left you? You’re feeling like shit, and that’s completely normal. Even though right now you can’t imagine ever leaving your duvet, or eating something that’s not ice cream- you will. You’re gonna be just fine.

Until then, you’ll probably go through some of, if not all of these stages. Enjoy!

The eat everything stage

The immediate post-dumping stage- think permanently red eyes and an abundance of bed crumbs. Be prepared to cry/sit this one out with your new BFF- Tesco’s confectionery aisle- for at least three days. Netflix will become your other best pal and you won’t wash your hair for a week. (If you notice cracks starting to appear in your current relationship, your future self will thank you for stocking up on dry shampoo in anticipation of this stage.)

The scented candle stage

Around a week after the dumping you’ll probably have a light-bulb moment and decide that you need to get your life in order. You’ll shower, tidy your room and bin the five empty tubs of Ben and Jerry’s from under your bed. Leaving the house to go shopping, you’ll buy a scented candle and treat yourself to a hundred pound shopping spree, because you’re an independent woman with your life in order who don’t need no man.

The going out stage

And what better way to follow the shopping spree, where you bought a new outfit, low-cut of course, than to go out and get pissed? You will get wasted, inevitably flirt with the first guy you see and probably get off as R. Kelly plays in the background. Now, this is where it can go one of two ways. You’ll either go back with this guy, just because. Or you’ll be so distraught that you exchanged saliva with someone new, that you’ll phone the ex in hysterics. Between sobs of ‘I love you’, you’ll proceed to tell him how much of a dickhead he is. The next morning won’t be pretty.

The texting your ex stage

This one will follow the going out stage. Even if you don’t text him mid-night out saying ‘whu don@t you lopve mee xzzzz’, you’ll be so horrendously hungover and self-pitying the next day that you won’t be able to help yourself from getting in touch. It’s okay, pretty much everyone does it and your ex will probably do it to you too at some point. If you can, stay strong and resist the urge to text. You’ll feel like a boss in the long run for not giving him the satisfaction of knowing how upset you are.

The over it stage

The timing of this is different for each person, it could be two weeks after your break up, or it could be two months later. But, regardless of how devo’d you were to be dumped, or how much you thought the sun shone out of your ex’s arse, at some point you will decide you are over him. You will stop moping around, you’ll step away from The Notebook (why hasn’t our ex hasn’t ‘written us’ every day for a year) and you’ll finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The dating stage

Hooray! You’ve made it to the most fun stage of all- the part where you get to go out and find someone that really deserves you. Probably for a Tinder or POF date, you’ll get dolled up, wined and dined and have a blast. After three double gins you won’t even think about your ex, and your new date will look even fitter through those beer goggles. Stay safe but enjoy it!

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